Tutorial: Redefining Foreplay

ForeplayWritten By: C. Michael Smith (Erotic Examples by Jenne)

Discover the highest ranked reason women do not reach orgasm during sex with their partner.

Learn how it is possible to make love with your lady all day long, even when you are apart.

Find out what part of your relationship women want you to pay more attention to.

Discover a general rule of thumb for how long foreplay should last.

Learn how to give your lady a 92.3% chance at orgasm.

Find out how long most of us spend in foreplay.

Discover why linear foreplay is inefficient.

Learn why non-linear foreplay is better.

Find out about the 5 types of foreplay.

It is time to redefine foreplay!

When you think of foreplay, what do you think of? What is foreplay?

Before we talk about what foreplay is, let’s talk about what it isn’t. Foreplay isn’t just telling your lady to brace herself. Foreplay isn’t just what you do for the 2 minutes right before sex. It isn’t just for special occasions. Foreplay is none of these things.

So what IS foreplay? Foreplay is a crucial part of the sexual act. Done correctly, foreplay prepares the body for sex, it prepares the mind for sex, it builds anticipation, desire, intrigue, and excitement, it intensifies a sexual session, it makes sex more comfortable and more enjoyable, it helps to solidify your relationship, it increases intimacy, it lets your lady know you care about her, it increases the chance for more frequent and more passionate sex, and it increases the chance for orgasm. Heck, foreplay even helps to burn up calories, burning around 7.5 calories every 5 minutes or so. “Foreplay is very, very important. I’m just not all that interested in sex without it. It’s what really turns me on and makes me horny. It’s a requirement for me having an orgasm, and deepens our emotional connection too.” Kayleigh, 19

So, what do I mean by redefining foreplay, anyway?

I think we need to change the way we look at, think about, understand, and execute foreplay. We can do this by:

1) Realizing why foreplay is so important.

2) Learning that foreplay doesn’t always have to lead to intercourse. 3) Learning the difference between linear and non-linear foreplay. 4) Learning the importance and benefits of prolonged foreplay. 5) Examining and understanding the different types of foreplay. Why Foreplay Is So Important: Most women need it. The way I see it, foreplay isn’t optional. It isn’t a luxury to indulge in only when you have enough time – especially when you plan to engage in intercourse. The woman needs time for her vagina to prepare itself for penetration and she needs time to get in the right frame of mind to make the sex better for both of you. Give her the time to prepare, and she will enjoy the experience on a higher level – and so will you, guys. Instead of diving right for her crotch, spend some time kissing her, touching her, and talking to her. This will help build anticipation and desire.

Most women prefer it. I think most women prefer sexual encounters that connect their body, their hearts, and their mind. Women want men to connect to their whole being, not just their vaginas. Their genitals are wired to their hearts and their mind. Make love with her heart and mind first. Reach in and touch her on the inside before you touch her on the outside. I think your lovemaking will reach new depths when you learn to (and take the time to) penetrate the whole woman, instead of just her vagina.

In one survey, women were asked, “What part of your relationship would you want your partner to pay more attention to?” More than 65% of these women answered foreplay and only 4 percent said orgasm.

It shows your lady that you care about her pleasure, too, and not just your own. Not enough foreplay makes it seem like you don’t care about pleasing her and only care about your own pleasure. Show her that you are a man who not only knows how to, but desires to please his lady.

”If my partner always wanted a “wham, bam, to hell with you ma’am” kind of sex (it certainly couldn’t be classed as “love making” IMHO) I would feel that he was using me and I’d refuse to do it. The way I look at it—if we don’t have time for foreplay, we don’t have time for sex. We can just put it off until time is of no consequence.” Guin, 60

In one study, over 700 nurses reported that lack of foreplay is the highest ranked reason for ladies not reaching orgasm. You really care about your lady’s pleasure, don’t you? While many experts claim that we don’t “give” ladies an orgasm, we can sure help give her what she needs in the form of foreplay to help encourage her orgasm.

Foreplay Doesn’t Have To Lead To Intercourse: The name practically suggests that FOREplay must always be a preliminary to other activities, such as intercourse. I believe it would become a little boring and predictable if foreplay lead to intercourse every time. Foreplay can stand alone. It’s a pleasurable activity in itself.

In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to spend lots of time in foreplay. In fact, they usually tend to spend more time on foreplay than they do on intercourse. Once we’ve been in the relationship for awhile, having sex can easily become a pattern of hurried foreplay so we can get to the intercourse quicker. The pleasures of foreplay – the touching, the kissing, the caressing, and the holding are quickly forgotten.

Try having a night of just oral sex or other activities with no intercourse. Have you ever done this before? Leaving intercourse out of sex can be a new experience. For most couples, making love has always included intercourse. Not engaging in intercourse allows you to explore a fuller range of sexual possibilities and pleasures that can be overlooked in the rush to get to intercourse and orgasm. This pattern of foreplay always having to lead to intercourse is destructive because you tend to become focused on where you are going rather than the pleasure of the moment of being where you are right now.

Linear-vs-Non-Linear Foreplay: Most of us engage in linear foreplay and lovemaking. First you kiss, then you undress, then you play with her breasts, then you play with her vulva, then you have intercourse, then the sex is over. That’s linear foreplay – and linear foreplay is boring, predictable, and inefficient. It doesn’t create the highest levels of mental and physical readiness. It doesn’t promote anticipation and desire. It doesn’t lead to the greatest sex. Great sex isn’t linear – and neither is great foreplay. Great foreplay and great sex have an element of unpredictability to them. The following illustrates the predictability an inefficiency of linear foreplay: Anne watched as Dave climbed into bed, the very look on his face telling her what he had in mind and sure enough it wasn’t long before he was laid beside her, his hand across her chest, groping to find her right breast. Silently she sighed wishing that he would change his MO and yet knowing that he probably never would. With the predictability of a drill sergeant his hand traveled between her thighs as he rolled her over and kissed her neck. His finger tips soon discovered her clitoris as his free hand pushed hers downwards until she reached his dick. She knew all to well was expected of her now and she duly performed duty, gently tugging him just the way he liked it, knowing it wouldn’t be long before the inevitable would happen. Sure enough on cue Dave rolled over and entered her. A few short thrusts later she felt the familiar tension in him as she began to orgasm. Two short grunts later and it was all over. Silently Anne sighed the same sigh that she did almost every time nowadays and thought back to the days when they had dated. Wondering just where those days had gone before falling asleep.

In non-linear foreplay, you may have intercourse for awhile, then decide to go back to oral sex for a bit, then on to more intercourse. Non-linear foreplay is unpredictable. It isn’t rigid. There are no steadfast rules. It doesn’t require you to stay within the lines or perform certain activities in a certain order. It encourages and permits you to be creative. Non-linear foreplay also raises your oxytocin levels more than linear foreplay does. Oxytocin, nicknamed the “cuddling hormone”, is released in the brain and brings about feelings of closeness and bonding. The following is a great example of non-linear foreplay, and of how foreplay in general should really be performed to get the most out of your sex life.

The paper fell from Anne’s lunchbox like confetti, and as she scrambled around her office floor to pick up the small pieces, she noticed the writing on them. Each miniature piece of paper contained a note from Dave. She sat on the floor and read each and every one, enthralled that he had even bothered to think of her. Each separate piece of paper had some symbol of love on it. She reached down and grabbed her sandwich. As she unwrapped the wrap that held it, another piece of paper fell; this one was much larger than the others and simply said, “Be home early tonight. I’ll pick the kids up!” She giggled like an excited schoolgirl as she bit into her sandwich.

This was so like Dave, ever thoughtful and forever surprising her. The next three hours seemed like an eternity, and the commute home was sheer agony. As she opened the front door, she wasn’t met by the usual cavalry of kids charging toward her, demanding dinner, homework, or a bedtime story. The only thing that greeted her ears tonight was the sultry tones of Frank Sinatra, and the soft, evocative smell of strawberries lingered in the air. She stood in the small hallway, allowing the sounds and smells to sink in for a minute before she noticed the note that was attached to the stairs. Moving forward, she read it. “SHOWER’S HOT!” it proclaimed in bright red letters and was signed with a heart. Her own heart skipped a beat as she climbed the stairs, entering the small bathroom at the top, not sure what to expect next.

The heat of the steam hit her first, slowly warming her body as she removed her clothing and stepped into the steaming hot shower cubicle. She heard the stairs creak and turned in time to see Dave enter the small room before he placed a kiss on her lips, not allowing her to utter a sound. He drew away again ushering her to be quiet as he dropped the bathrobe that enveloped his body and climbed into the shower stall behind her. She felt his hands on her scalp as he began to wash her hair, the lather spilling down her body, as he pressed his body into her back. His hand caressed her breasts slowly, lingering for a moment before moving on, each touch delicious and yet never quite enough. It wasn’t long before the grime and worries of the day left her and she was surrounded by nothing but the water and his caresses on her body. He reached forward and turned off the shower before beckoning her to come out, picking up a white, fluffy towel and drying every inch of her before wrapping her in her favorite bathrobe and leading her back down the stairs and into the living room.

Anne’s face beamed with delight as she entered the sanctity of their living room. It looked so different in the soft, warm glow of the candlelight. The whole room looked far more inviting that it ever had before. She looked at Dave and wondered what else he had planned for that evening as he moved toward her, his arms outstretched, inviting her to dance. As she sank into his chest, they twirled around the floor, lost for that moment in the music. Her heart jumped as Dave slowly cupped her face in his large rugged hands and began to gently kiss her forehead. For what seemed like an eternity, he kissed every inch of her face, a small peck landing on her eyelid as she bathed in the sensations of calmness before his lips touched hers. She met his lips with vigor, as if someone had lit a smoldering fire beneath her.

Slowly he disentangled himself from her caress and led her by the hand to the couch before picking up the remote and flicking on an R-rated movie that they had watched many times when they were dating. She was somewhat surprised to find that he still had it after all these years. The effect of the movie as they lay in each others arms was electrifying. Anne could feel the wetness creeping onto her thighs and the hardness of Dave’s erection as they began to kiss once more. It wasn’t long before the movie was forgotten altogether and all that mattered was that moment. As Dave slipped from the couch and knelt before Anne, she saw the longing admiring look on his face and recognized the love in his eyes as they studied her body. She reached down and began to undress slowly, teasing the belt from her robe, allowing Dave to reach forward and gently push it open so her naked body was exposed. Slowly his hand traveled over her thighs, caressing each one, first with his hands and then with his face and mouth, before he reached for a strawberry. Now he caressed her thighs again, this time dragging the strawberry seductively over her body. His tongue covered her body inch by delicious inch until she felt she could stand it no more. She wanted and needed more now.

She needed to feel his naked chest against hers, to crush his body as he had just crushed the cold, ripe strawberry against her nipple, making it stand to attention and ready for the warmth of his tongue. She reached down and dragged his bathrobe from him, desperate to feel his flesh against hers. She reveled as he once again caressed her, this time flesh on flesh, her hands gently massaging his back, his buttocks, and feeling every inch she could reach. Again he teased her, this time taking the strawberry and running it over her thighs before licking its juice from them, always just missing the parts that ached to feel his tongue, never quite getting there, adding fuel to the fire that was smoldering inside her until she felt she could take no more. She all but thrust herself onto his face and whimpered with delight at the first contact his tongue made with her soft, sensitive, fleshy parts. As he worked his tongue fervently, his hands caressed her heaving breasts, producing sensations that simply washed over her.

Her body tensed and she came in a rush, the fire igniting and tearing through her body until she could stand no more of his tongue; now she wanted more, much more. She pulled him upward, feeling the hardness of his erection as she basked in the aftermath of her own orgasm and beckoned him to enter her. Slowly, rhythmically, he made love to her; the music washed over her, as did another wave of orgasm, and she felt him grow near to his own orgasm, his body tensing, waiting for release inside hers. Instead he pulled out of her. She sighed with disappointment until his tongue reached down between her thighs once more, stopping her sigh midstream. Again he teased and pleased her with his oral skills until once more she could no longer stand it. This time she pushed him to the floor, her need so great that she cared about nothing else as she sat atop him, her breasts swinging as she mounted and rode him like the stallion he was. This time he succumbed as she leaned over and kissed him passionately. As she collapsed into his body, Dave whispered to her, “Maybe we should do this more often?” Anne smiled and simply nuzzled against him, her quivering body answering his question.

Do you see the difference in the linear foreplay example and the non-linear example? Which one would your lady prefer? Which one does she deserve?

The Importance And Benefits Of Prolonged Foreplay: One of the biggest complaints from ladies is that their men don’t spend enough time on foreplay before sex. One of the biggest complaints from men is that their ladies don’t want to have sex nearly often enough. What we need to understand as men is why lots of foreplay is so important. Through having a proper understanding and execution of foreplay, you will give your lady the foreplay that she wants and needs and you will be rewarded with the more frequent and higher quality sex that you want. “I love foreplay. The longer, the better. The longer the foreplay, the more intense the orgasm. Susan, 19

Foreplay is the fuel your lady needs in order to get the most out of your lovemaking. The more foreplay you give her, the more turned on she will be and the more explosive the sex will be for both of you. Most of us don’t engage in foreplay long enough, or not at all, in some cases. In one study, couples were asked about the duration of foreplay in their relationship. They answered as follows:

For 11% of us, foreplay lasts 3 minutes, on average.

For 36% of us, foreplay lasts 4-10 minutes, on average.

For 31% of us, foreplay lasts 11-20 minutes, on average.

For 22% of us, foreplay lasts more than 30 minutes, on average.

Of the groups listed above, who do you think has the better sex life and the most satisfied lovers? If your lady knows that you will take great care of her during your lovemaking, she is more likely to want to engage in it more often. That makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, why would she want to have sex with you very often if she already knows it will be unfulfilling for her? So, give her what she wants and needs.

Besides, studies have shown that after 21 minutes or longer of physical foreplay, 92.3% of women will orgasm at some point during your lovemaking session.

Examining And Understanding The Different Types Of Foreplay: When most of us think of foreplay, we only think of one kind, physical foreplay. But, foreplay isn’t just an issue of physical stimulation and preparedness, but also an issue of emotional, mental, practical, and self stimulation and preparedness. I would like to assert that there are really 5 types of foreplay – not just one. The way I see it, the 5 types of foreplay are:

Emotional Foreplay – builds intimacy and strengthens your bond. Mental Foreplay – builds anticipation and desire. Practical Foreplay – breaks down common barriers to great sex. Self-Directed Foreplay – increases self awareness and involvement. Physical Foreplay – increases physical and mental preparedness and desire.

If a woman has a man who understands and engages in physical foreplay, she may consider herself lucky. If her man also understands the other 4 types, she’ll be in heaven! Let’s discuss them in further detail.

Emotional Foreplay: Benefits: Helps to solidify your relationship, increases intimacy, lets your lady know you care about her, and increases the chance for more frequent and more passionate sex.

Emotional foreplay is what I like to refer to as making love outside the bedroom. This type of foreplay happens all the time. It begins when you choose to pay attention to your lady, to spend time with her, to recognize her, and to appreciate all that she is and all that she does. I’ve always thought that the better you learn to make love to your lady outside the bedroom, the better she will make love to you inside the bedroom. Engaging in emotional foreplay will also put her in a better mood, make her less anxious, more fun to be with, easier to get along with, and put her “in the mood” more frequently. A lady’s heart is a great erogenous zone. When you learn how to fill her heart with love, it will spill over into the rest of her body and she will reward you with more frequent and more passionate sex as a natural response to the strong foundation of sincere affection that you have given her. Making love outside the bedroom can make your girlfriend your wife or make your wife your girlfriend.

Here are a few ways you can engage in emotional foreplay:

Call your lady during the day. Tell her that you were just thinking about her and wanted to tell her that you love her. This only takes 60 seconds and it’s a great way to maintain your connection. After the workday is over, greet each other with a big hug and kiss. Spend some time discussing your day, even if it’s only a few minutes. When you talk to her, really listen to what she has to say. Be there with her 100% in the moment. You can’t do this while you watch the evening news at the same time. Look into her eyes and hold her. Ask how she is doing and be sure to share what’s going on with you, too. Reassure her, comfort her, and listen to her. Usually women don’t want us to solve all their problems. They just want to share with us and want us to listen and sympathize. Tell her that you love her and let her know that you are her biggest fan.

Do you ever touch your lady outside the bedroom? One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to only touch you lady when you want sex. She will pick up on this and likely start to resent you for it. Instead, be sure to touch her often in a non-sexual way. For instance, while she is cooking or brushing her teeth in the mirror, go up behind her and give her a big hug. Or, if she is working on the computer or reading a book, go up behind her and give her a small kiss on the neck or a back rub. Pay attention. There are many opportunities throughout your day together to do this for her. She will appreciate your attention and affection. Tell her what you appreciate about her, what you admire about her, why you are proud of her, or what you love about her. Compliment your lady. Especially compliment her on her shoes, hair, clothes, and perfume. Compliment her to others, also. Build her up to others in her presence. Brag on her a little bit. Tell others how wonderful you think she is. Mental Foreplay: Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, builds anticipation, desire, intrigue, and excitement, and intensifies a sexual session.

How long does it take to have sex? 10 minutes for a quickie? 20-30 minutes for an average session? 45-60 minutes for a longer session? A man who masters the art of mental foreplay makes love to his lady all day long. Hardly a moment will go by where she doesn’t think about you during the day, desiring you, and imagining what it will be like to be with you later. Mental foreplay is the seductive form of foreplay. It involves placing the idea of great sex in the mind of your partner, often hours before physical sexual activity, thus building anticipation, desire, and intrigue in your partner’s mind for what’s to come later. Anticipation is a very powerful sexual tool – one of the most powerful, in fact. Learn to harness it. Use it to your advantage. Anticipation creates desire in your partner.

Here are a few ways you can engage in mental (or seductive) foreplay:

Touch your lady in the kitchen when you two have friends over in the other room and she can’t do anything about it right away. Create anticipation and desire by touching her genitals through her clothing (if she would be ok with that), or whispering something naughty in her ear, and then walking back into the other room with your friends. See how long it takes your lady to throw your friends out.

Engage in some dirty talk or some discreet touching while you are at a restaurant or movie theatre – somewhere where you won’t be able to go all the way and get sexual satisfaction. This will allow the erotic tension to build until you get home later where you’ll have privacy. Leave your lady a sexy love note telling her what you want to do with her when you get home later that evening. She’ll have all day to think about it. Call your lady from work and engage in a little dirty talk. Tell her how badly you wish you could be making love with her right now. Tell her you can’t wait to see her later to finish what you started. Nowadays, almost everyone has access to a cellular phone, pager, or email. A lot of these phones and pagers are capable of handling instant text messages. Send your lover a series of 5-10 messages telling them how much you want them. Wait 15 minutes or so between messages. This will create anticipation and desire. Always end each message leaving them wanting more. Remember, anticipation is a very powerful tool. Here is an example of the first few messages you could leave. Use your imagination for the remaining messages and be careful to send the messages during a time when they will not inconvenience your partner (during an important business meeting, etc…). MESSAGE 1: “My hands are on your face to kiss you. My hands travel along your neck, shoulders, arms, and waist. I pull you close to me, kissing… (more later).” MESSAGE 2: “Still kissing you, I slowly lower myself to my knees, kissing your lips, chin, neck, chest, and stomach. My hands are on your butt. Now, on my knees, I begin to undo your pants…(more later)” Practical Foreplay: Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, helps to solidify your relationship, increases intimacy, lets your lady know you care about her, and increases the chance for more frequent and more passionate sex.

There’s a practical side to foreplay and getting her in the mood. When she walks in the door, she’s probably thinking about what all she has to do that evening: help the kids with homework, pick up around the house, start supper, do a load of laundry, run a bath for the kids and put them to bed, etc… Guys, you should try to remove this burden from her, get rid of all of the distractions, and meet her pressing needs. If her mind is clear and she has very little to worry about or take care of, then she will be a lot more open to being romanced or seduced. If you don’t do these things and your lady has a lot on her mind, then all you’re going to get, at best, is an accommodating partner – never an eager one. That’s not exactly the recipe for mind-blowing sex.

Here are a few ways you can engage in practical foreplay:

Help her with the children. Don’t be a pig. Pick up after yourself.

Help out around the house, if she normally does the housework.

If she regularly prepares supper, do you ever ask her if she needs help?

If she is the one that normally does the dishes, do you regularly do them instead?

Surprise her by feeding the cat even though she normally does it.

Surprise her by taking out the trash before she has to ask you. Surprise her by going grocery shopping before she has the chance to go herself. Learn to ask this question often: “Is there anything I can do to help you?” When is the last time you said that to your lady? I say it nearly everyday.

You get the idea!

Self-Directed Foreplay: Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, builds anticipation and desire, and increases the chance for orgasm.

Your lady controls this type of foreplay. Does she like to take a long bath, light candles, or get dressed up in sexy lingerie before making love? Many women do this for their men, but some do it for themselves, also, to help them get in the right frame of mind for some great lovemaking. It’s foreplay for herself. If your lady does this, then give her the time she needs to perform her pre-sex rituals. Don’t rush her, don’t complain, and don’t ask what’s taking so long. This will help ensure that she is in the right mindset for a sexy encounter.

Physical Foreplay: Benefits: Prepares the body for sex, prepares the mind for sex, builds anticipation, desire, intrigue, and excitement, intensifies a sexual session, makes sex more comfortable and more enjoyable, increases intimacy, lets your lady know you care about her, increases the chance for more frequent and more passionate sex, increases the chance for orgasm, and burns up calories.

This is the kind of foreplay that most of us are familiar with. This is the type of foreplay that usually takes place immediately prior to lovemaking. Physical foreplay often includes such activities as: undressing, kissing, talking, touching, stroking, caressing, holding, oral sex, manual sex, massages, back rubs, foot rubs, body painting, tickling, pinching, nibbling, hugging, licking, fondling, dancing, talking sexy, and other similar activities.

Physical foreplay is not about pressing the right buttons in the correct order. There’s no such thing as the perfect way to experience foreplay. Foreplay (like the rest of sex) doesn’t work that way. It is subjective. It depends on the people and all of the factors involved. You have to learn what YOUR LADY likes and how she likes to be pleasured. Real sexual know-how isn’t about how many techniques you can name, how many partners you’ve had, or how many positions you have tried. Real sexual know-how is all about knowing what makes YOUR LADY tick, sexually. All of the knowledge, techniques, and positions in the world don’t matter if they aren’t ones that YOUR LADY would like. Great sex (and foreplay) is all about learning how to love YOUR LADY the way she wants to be loved. So, find out how she likes to be stimulated during foreplay and do it that way.

The important thing to remember about physical foreplay is to take your time. Be attentive and don’t rush. There is no such thing as spending too much time on foreplay, but there is such a thing as spending too little time on it. If you plan to engage in intercourse, unless the passion is so strong that you find yourself ripping your clothes off for a quickie, a general rule of thumb is to saturate your lady with foreplay until she verbally asks, physically asks, insists, or begs you to make love with her. When you plan to engage in intercourse, the idea is to spend enough time on foreplay so that both partners are aching for more and can barely contain themselves any longer. Intercourse can be very intense, especially if you have the proper buildup, first, so get comfortable and plan to spend some serious time on physical foreplay.

Conclusion: As we have learned, the best foreplay takes many forms, and it begins long before you ever get into the bedroom. It is always present, anytime you are together with your lady, not just in the bedroom, right before you have sex.

I hope this article has encouraged you to redefine the way you think about foreplay. Try implementing this new information into your relationship. I am willing to bet that it will make a positive difference and you will have one happy lady. And remember, if your lady is satisfied with her sexual experiences with you, she will usually make sure that you are satisfied as well.

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