1. Your most important sexual tool isn’t between your legs. It’s your ability to communicate with your partner. More than any other factor, your ability to talk openly and honestly about sex with your partner is the key to an incredible sex life. If you have very little natural ability or knowledge, but you have the desire and the ability to communicate, I believe you can develop everything else you need in order to be a tremendous lover – it’s that important!
2. Great sex with a partner requires communicating our likes, dislikes, fears, desires, fantasies, and expectations with each other. I like to say that the number one secret for being a great lover is learning to make love to your partner the way they want to be made love to. How can you make love to them the way they want to be made love to if you never ask? How are you supposed to know how to please each other if you don’t talk about it? Great communication can and will make the difference between ho-hum sex and mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex. As you improve the level of communication in your sexual relationship, you will see a spillover into other areas of your sex life, too. The more you talk about sex with your partner, the closer you’ll feel. The closer you feel, the more you will want to have sex. The more you have sex, the better you will get it at. The better you get at it, the more satisfying it will become. Without strong communication, your chances for having mind-blowing sex are minimized.
3. Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires. It may sound easy, but it really isn’t. If it were easy, everyone would be having great sex with great communication. Sharing our sexual needs with our partner can make us feel vulnerable. We may feel embarrassed or worried about our partner being critical of what we want to share. We may fear being judged. Learning to tune in to your partner, ask about their needs, listen to their answers, and express your own needs in return is the most crucial key to fantastic sex and relationships – period! Did you hear that? It’s not an exaggeration! Read it again!
4. A great sexual communicator talks openly and honestly with their partner about sexual likes, dislikes, fears, desires, fantasies, and expectations. They communicate before sex, during sex, and after sex. They make sure their partner understands what they want sexually. They talk respectfully with their partner about any unmet sexual needs. They have a comfortable sexual vocabulary with their partner. They tell their partner what they enjoy about making love with them, and they always keep their partner up to date about any changes in their sexual likes, dislikes, fears, fantasies, and expectations.
5. A great sexual communicator is rewarded with the many benefits of great sexual communication. They get their needs, wants, and desires met. They are fully satisfied and they fully satisfy their partner. They understand that when there is open and honest communication, trust is built. If your sex partner trusts you, they can really lose their inhibitions, relax, let go, and be in the here-and-now. When you can do that for your partner and they can do that for you, you both open yourselves up to the potential for a whole new level of torrid sex and amazingly powerful orgasms.
6. If you think sex should just automatically fall into place and each of you should just instinctively know what to do to make the other happy, you are going about it in the wrong way, I’m afraid. It may be tough to open up to our partner and ask what they want. When you do that, you open up the door to possible sexual criticism. I believe many people are so terrified of failing in bed that they are afraid to take any risks or do anything to make themselves vulnerable, which is a failure in itself. Learn to open up. Learn to take risks. Learn to communicate. You will be richly rewarded. There is no growth without risk. If you don’t know what your partner wants, and vice versa, you begin to second-guess each other. You really want to please your sex partner, right? Then stop guessing what they like and start asking!
7. When there are issues in your relationship, and communication is shut down, the sex suffers. Many people first realize about trouble in their relationship when their partner isn’t really responding in bed. No matter what the problem is, when a significant concern is left unspoken, a wall is built up between the couple. When couples don’t communicate effectively and there are unspoken problems in the relationship, the tension often build until one or both partners burst, often in the form of criticism and anger.
8. You can be an expert in sexual technique, know your anatomy like you know the back of your hand, and be a master of 1001 sexual positions, but if you can’t tell your partner what feels good, where it feels good, and why it feels good – if you can’t communicate assertively and effectively, then you are heading for certain disappointment and frustration in the bedroom.
9. Our inability to communicate effectively about sex is ironic. Even though we are bombarded by sexual advertising, sexual messages, and sexual situations on the TV and in other media everyday, we still find striking up a conversation about sex a great challenge, even within the context of a committed relationship. Many couples who do talk to each other don’t talk ABOUT sex, they talk AROUND it. They attempt to communicate through gestures, hints, veiled comments, broad generalities, fill in the blanks, mind-reading, euphemisms, winks, jokes, kiddy talk, and code words. That’s sure not a recipe for sexual satisfaction.
10. Being open, honest, and tactful are 3 important keys to great communication. You have to tell your partner what you like, dislike, need, desire, want, and expect in the bedroom. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader. You would never expect them know your favorite restaurant or your favorite TV show without telling them, so why do people expect their partners to somehow magically know what to do in the bedroom to please them without telling them? Without clear sexual communication, your lover is left in the dark and you are left less than fully satisfied.