Kissing is an intimate form of communication. A kiss can convey all sorts of messages just by how it is delivered. A kiss can express lust, empathy, sympathy, sadness, or finality. A kiss can be cute, polite, invitational, passionate, or aloof. The English language is filled with cliches such as the kiss of death, kiss off, and kiss my ass.
Everyone remembers their first knee-buckling kiss. Although I had kissed many men in my quest to find my prince, many of who were fabulous kissers, the first kiss from the man who was to become Mr. Amazon was simply magical. We were at a late night movie and he leaned over and kissed the top of my head. A sweet, romantic, and spontaneous move that made my toes curl. Nothing more until we left the theater, but I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the movie. It was just a simple little kiss on the top of my head.
Caution: Although this is a gross generalization it is worth mentioning; men often think of a kiss as a means to an end – a necessary but frivolous step on the way to eventual sex. Women tend to think of it as an event unto itself. Armed with this knowledge, most men who take the time to develop into good passionate, thoughtful kissers generally become better lovers. Women who are aware of this dichotomy realize that a kiss can open the doors to actions they may not intend.
This article is intended as a step-by-step introduction to the first kiss with someone new. It covers some of the details to attend to before the kiss, how to read the body language of your date to determine if they are receptive and then the dos and don’ts for a good kiss. Those readers that think they are already phenomenal kissers will probably be well served by taking this refresher course. As time warrants an advanced kissing course will be posted at this site.
Kissing 101 – The Basics: Everyone worries about the first kiss with a new partner. Yes, even veterans that have been around the bussing block a hundred times stress about it. Will they respond positively? Will I get my face slapped? What if they don’t like the way I kiss? What if I don’t like the way they kiss? The best way to control anxiety is to prepare yourself both with knowledge and getting your “kissing units” ready. Before even getting into the situation of a kiss there are some things you can do to lessen the chances of rejection….
1. Take care of necessary dental work- bleeding gums and cavities not only are dangerous to your health but they make your mouth unsightly as well as contribute to bad breath.
2. Heal chapped lips. Use Vaseline or lip balm regularly before the big date.
3. Use lipstick sparingly. Thick red or black lipstick may be all the rage, but they don’t make your lips look kissable.
4. Guys need to pay attention to their beards. If you have one, make sure it is clean. No girl wants to sample the soup you had for lunch. If she did, she would have ordered it herself. If you are clean-shaven, make sure your face is as smooth as a baby’s butt. There is not much worse then coming home from a date with irritating stubble burn around the mouth. Also go easy on the aftershave. What might smell great from several feet away can be bothersome when her nose is up against your skin.
5. Brush your teeth and tongue well.
6. Use mouthwash or breath spray, especially if you are a smoker or had the double order of onion rings with lunch. Carry those little sample bottles of mouthwash from hotel rooms in your purse or car.
7. Did you know those little sprigs of parsley garnish that take up space on your dinner place are a great breath freshener? Learn to love it.
8. Carry breath mints. If your date has less then sweet breath, take a breath mint yourself then offer them one.
9. And by no means even consider kissing if either of you has an active cold sore. Oral herpes is highly contagious. It is the nasty kind of gift that keeps on giving, long after the relationship is done.
Making the First Move – Reading Body Language: Somebody is going to have to make the first move. But how do you know if you are going to get that kiss returned, get a slap, or the cold shoulder? The answer is by reading body language.
Amazon’s top 10 behavioral signs that may indicate your date will respond positively:
. Keep steady eye contact with you, or watch your hands
. Hold your hand tightly
. Lick their lips even when they aren’t covered with barbecue sauce
. Finger their clothes
. Smooth or play their hair
. Nibble food slowly while looking in your eyes
. Play with rim or stem of glass
. Mirror your movements
. Have their legs crossed towards you
. Lean forward towards you.
Testing, 1,2,3 Testing: You are clean and they seem receptive. Now you need to establish whether your date wants more intimate touching. Test by a small gesture; move a little closer and touch their shoulder or kiss their hand. If they back off, pull the arm away, frown, or cross their arms, those are sure signs that tonight is NOT the night. Did they hold their ground? That is a strong maybe, go to the next step but take your time. Did they move closer too? You are in buddy!
Location, Location, Location: Pick the right place. Not too brightly lit, not where prying parents or nosey roommates can view. Some place private but not excessively dark. Light can be intimidating too.
Now is the Time!!! You are clean, they are receptive, they indicate they won’t run, and you are in the right place. Here are my dos and don’ts for kissing. Remember, this is not only for rookies:
—Top Ten DON’TS…
1. Assume since they accepted a date it guarantees you at least a kiss
2. Lunge towards them – it sets them up to be defensive
3. Lead with open mouth – nobody like to kiss a fish
4. Lead with your tongue – not many people enjoy kissing reptiles either
5. Mash or grind faces – it may look good in the movies, but rather uncomfortable in real life
6. Move too fast – this isn’t a race
7. Force your tongue like a wedge between their lips and teeth – If they are going to accept your tongue they will part their lips, don’t push your luck by forcing it
8. Woodpecker tongue – keep Woody in you pants. J
9. Shove your tongue to back of their throat. No need to check what they had for lunch or do a tonsil exam
10. Slobber – you should not need a towel to clean up after yourself
11. And don’t ever assume a kiss, even a passionate one, means they are willing to go further.
–Top Ten DO’S…
1. Kiss romantically, with feeling
2. Start with lips either just slightly parted or gently closed
3. Kiss like there were nothing you would like to do more than to be right there with your love, kissing them.
4. Cup their face gently in your hands
5. Part your lips and teeth slightly
6. Use soft, relaxed lips, but not limp or mushy
7. Touch both lips
8. If using your tongues, let them dance. Allow your partner to lead sometimes
9. If French kissing, keep lips in contact as you gently roll your tongue along the inside of their lips
10. Move your tongue slowly, exploring their lips, teeth and tongue.
11. Add variety, small kisses between big kisses and kiss places other than their lips.
(Okay, that was eleven but weren’t they worth it?)
Remember that the first kiss with a new date is always a bit of a surprise. Expect it to be a little awkward as you learn about each other. With any new partner some form of learning curve is required until you mesh perfectly. It is all part of a glorious process. There aren’t many things more fun to practice!
Yet, like most things, kissing is highly subjective. Everyone is different and has different likes and dislikes. What makes one lover crazy with lust can turn another cold. For example, ears and necks are two zones that may or may not turn your partner on. This is where communication is the key. If you are kissing passionately and your partner suddenly pulls away, it may not be a rejection of the kiss but when, where, or how it was placed. If in doubt, ASK. “Do you not like it when I (fill in the blank)?” Commit their answer to memory.
How to Cure a Bad Kisser: If you don’t like the way your partner kisses here are some suggestions from Lou Paget’s book, How to be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that will Blow His Mind.
“The best way to address the so-called kissing problem is to show him how you like to be kissed. By following these 4 steps, you could have your perfect kiss as early as tonight:
1. Tell him how much you love to kiss
2. Kiss him the way you love to be kissed so he knows exactly what that feels like.
3. Stop, pull back, and say to him, “Will you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me?”
4. If he kisses you right, make sure he knows how much you enjoyed it and show him how stimulated you feel. Men tend to not forget what gets them results. (If he didn’t do it right, repeat steps 1-3 as may times as necessary.)”
Lips Are Engaged, But What About… What to do with your hands? Another point a lot of people forget to consider is the usage of the hands. Use them to hold or stroke non-erotic zones, like the back, the shoulders, and the arms. Another great place is the back of the neck with a light massage to the head. Remember though to keep early kisses primary. If you are concentrating on getting to second base, you are not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
What to do with your eyes? For me, the easy answer is that there is nothing that you could possibly see that is more exciting then the feeling on your lips. Think about nothing at all but the kiss you’re giving. Better yet, just don’t think.
How to Finish: Eventually, all good things must come to an end, even a kiss. Always, always, always finish off a kiss with a small, soft ending kiss. No matter how sexually explicit you have gotten on this date, or how many times you have kissed this person, you must have one last soft kiss without tongues. It gives final punctuation to the event.
The road to the first kiss is conscientious preparation of your mouth, lips and face, reading body language accurately, and picking the right place to do it. Then all you have to do is kiss with feeling, and finish with a soft kiss. Don’t forget that bad kissers are trainable, so practice, practice, practice.