Written by: Carrie Grace
I scurry around the cluttered bedroom, opening every drawer I have, searching frantically. Where is it…? I stoop down and look under the bed, then on top of it, then under each pillow. Where is it…? I open all the wardrobe doors and scan every inch of the interior with my wide open eyes. Where the fuck is it…? I’ve lost one of the most private, personal and important things in my life. My diary. I can’t find it anywhere.
I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid! If that book falls into the wrong hands then who knows what the consequences will be! Someone’s taken it, someone must have taken it! I put it in my hamper last night, then this morning, it was gone! I have to find it!
I let out an exasperated growl and march across the landing and downstairs. Then I hear a noise coming from the living room and I stop dead in my tracks. Suppressed laughter. A laugh that I know all too well. As I creep up and peer cautiously round the door frame, I see what could be said to be the last thing I would have expected. I see my diary; the minute, midnight-blue notebook; held in the hands of the one person I thought I could trust not to ever take it. My boyfriend, Aaron.
I look up at his face. His eyes dart over the page, intent and seemingly fascinated, the corners of his mouth twitching now and again in a series of near-smiles. I can’t tell which bit he’s reading, but that wouldn’t matter anyway. There’s not a single paragraph of that book that I’d be ok with anyone reading, let alone the man I make love to every night. I step full into the doorway, and he glances up and sees me. He drops the book immediately into his lap. ‘Care,’ he begins, but I don’t stay to listen.
I dart straight back up the stairs, my hand over my mouth to stop myself from letting out a sob, and lock myself in the bathroom. I cry. Not because I’m angry with him. Not because he betrayed my trust. But because I’m scared of what he may or may not know. The things I wrote about in my diary… well, they were for my eyes only. Among them were detailed accounts of our more exotic lovemaking; fantasies of what I’d love him to do in bed, but I’m too shy to ask for. This includes my desire to watch him passionately kiss another man, although that will always remain a mere fantasy. And worst of all, my secret thoughts and fears and criticisms of our relationship. In one of my entries, I had written about how scared I was that I couldn’t satisfy him, that I was too timid to really put myself out for him. I even went as far as to ask myself whether I was as good as the… other women he had been with. I mean, he was, and still is, my first. How am I supposed to measure up? I hear his footsteps on my trail and the next thing I know, I hear the soft thud of his hand on the door. ‘Care…?’ His voice is gentle and cautious, like he knows he’s done wrong. ‘Go away.’ I whimper angrily. He sighs and thuds his hand again ‘Care,’ he says with an almost pleading air. ‘come out of there, I want to talk to you.’ This time I don’t even answer him, and he sighs again, and I hear yet another thud as he slumps back against the wall. ‘I’m not leaving ’til you come out.’ he says in that stubborn way of his. ‘I want to talk about this.’ His words, as though shot from the deadly level of a gun, murder my anger, and spark the pain of dread within me. What could he have read…?
Slowly, nervously, I turn the lock and open the door to confront him. He turns to me, his arms folded. In an instant, I summon up all my courage and stupidity, and speak before he has a chance to draw breath. ‘I don’t wanna talk to you.’ I growl, and try to dodge round him. But suddenly, I feel his arms snake round my waist and he pulls me against him and lifts me up. ‘Too bad.’ he replies through gritted teeth. ‘Cause you got no choice.’ With that, he drags me, kicking and struggling, into the bedroom. ‘Let go of me!’ I cry, outraged at this show of primitive authority.
He flings me down onto the bed and, before I can even get up, locks the door and leans back against it. As I sit up and compose myself, I notice that he has my diary in the pocket of his jeans. He removes it and inhales deeply. ‘Alright.’ he says calmly. ‘Let’s do this properly shall we?’ I glare at him with undisguised yet irrational contempt. ‘Let me out of here, Aaron!’ I yell. ‘You had no right to read my diary, do you hear? No right!’ He takes a step forward, his belligerence ignited. ‘What right have you to keep secrets from me!?’ he retaliates. He waves the book in front of my face. ‘That’s all a diary is, Care! Secrets! You promised…!’ He doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t need to. I know what I promised. What we promised to each other. I simply hadn’t realized that I had been the one to break that promise. I swallow hard. ‘What did you read…?’ I ask in a minute voice. ‘All of it.’ he answers bluntly.
He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me. ‘Why couldn’t you just talk to me, Care…?’ he says a little sadly. ‘Why couldn’t you tell me these things…?’ He speaks as though he were a disappointed parent, and I the kid with the bad report card. I look at him. ‘What things?’ I ask, trying to retain what little innocence I have left. He shakes his head and opens the diary, flicking through the pages. ‘May 15th.’ he reads aloud. ‘He grabbed me the moment I walked in from work and started kissing me passionately. He was so hot and sexy, I didn’t think I could take it. I wanted his gorgeous body so badly that I let him make love to me hot and hard on the sofa. He was incredible, and he made me come over and over. But he didn’t come at all. I’m starting to worry that maybe I can’t satisfy him anymore. I wonder if the other girls he’d been with could?’
He stares back at me and lowers the book. ‘Why are you comparing yourself…?’ he asks, sounding real disappointed in me. ‘You’re nothing like those other girls.’ I flick my eyes away from him. ‘Why? Were they better…?’ I mumble jealously. ‘They weren’t like you.’ he says firmly. ‘They never put themselves out for me, not in the way you do. And besides, sex wasn’t really meaningful like it is with you.’ I can’t help but feel a bit strange when I hear him say that. For me, our lovemaking means everything, but I didn’t know he felt the same way, not really. Even so, it doesn’t excuse the fact that he stole from me, and I refuse to let that go just yet.
‘Speaking of which…’ he continues, opening my poor, captive diary once more. ‘How can you do every nasty little thing I want, and then not even tell me what you want…? Why can’t you just talk about your fantasies to me, or tell me what you’d like when we’re in bed…?’ I bite my lip and clench my fists. ‘Cause I’d get embarrassed.’ I reply. ‘Around me?’ he asks in disbelief. I can feel myself blushing already. ‘What do you know?’ I ask him straight out. He tips back his head slightly, hesitating to tell me. ‘Well, I know that you’d like me to bend you over and have your tushy licked out while I spank you.’ he says plainly. I whimper and put my head in my hands. ‘Oh no…’ I whine. ‘I can’t believe I wrote that down…’ He gives me a rather odd look. ‘Why are you getting so embarrassed…?’ he asks. ‘That is one of your fantasies isn’t it…?’ I raise my magenta face and nod. ‘So bend over and I’ll do it.’ he says simply. I flinch. ‘Huh!?’ I really wasn’t expecting that. He moves a little closer to me. ‘Listen, you want me to lick your ass and spank you, I’ll do it.’ I shake my head vigorously and back away. ‘No!’ I say, more embarrassed than ever now. ‘Look, me not telling you my humiliating fantasies isn’t the point. The point is, you stole something of mine and you betrayed my trust! It’s me who should be disappointed in you!’
All the while, he gazes at me with sparkling eyes and a softened expression, as though deaf to my harsh words. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ I murmur cautiously. He shakes his head slowly, and a sort of half-smile flashes across his face. ‘You’re so cute when you’re angry.’ he says, grinning at his own cliché. He leans in to kiss me, but I back away, uncontrollably furious. ‘Don’t you dare try and change the subject!’ I exclaim. Still smiling, like he knows something I don’t, he pulls me into him and nuzzles at my neck. ‘You are not getting around me that easily, Aaron!’ I growl.
I try to wriggle free from his embrace, but he holds me tight, planting wet kisses all over my lips and cheeks. ‘I know what this is about.’ he murmurs. ‘It’s about you doubting yourself again.’ He pushes me down into the bed and starts to undress me against my will, taking full advantage of the fact that I’m not wearing a bra. ‘You think you’re not good enough for me, Care. I can tell, but I don’t understand why…’ By the time he’s peeling my panties down my kicking legs, I just want to hit out at him. I don’t really know why, but the whole situation has made me somewhat aggressive towards him. ‘Get off of me!’ I cry in outrage, but he takes no notice. Still holding me down with one freakishly strong hand, he reaches over and picks up my white sik scarf from the bedside table, before clasping my wrists together and tying them securely. ‘Untie me right now, or I’ll scream!’ I threaten. He smirks with mild amusement at this, and leans in close. ‘Scream all you want to, sweetheart.’ he whispers. ‘Nobody can hear you.’
He kisses me full on the mouth, refraining from slipping me his tongue as though he thinks I might bite it if he tries. Hm, he knows me all too well. I whine in desperate resistance as his hand feels down between my squirming thighs, rubbing vigorously at my pussy, trying to make me leak with desire. My body has already betrayed me in that respect. He takes the resulting trickle as a sign of encouragement and, pulling away from my reluctant mouth, he yanks my legs firmly open. Before I can even utter a protest, I feel his fingers spreading my pussy lips wide apart, and his deadly sweet tongue homes in on my clit, teasing it mercilessly. I gasp and rock my head forward, looking down on him while he plays with me. He stares intently at me, the look in his eyes saying ‘Surrender…’, as he gives my quivering clit one long, lingering suck. He knows I love that.
He slides back on top of me, satisfied that I’m adequately wet. I glare at him with undisguised contempt, driven by my rage at my unlawful imprisonment, and his ever confident half-smiling eyes, luminous with their own knowledge of my subconscious. ‘Don’t even think you’re getting your way with me!’ I spit. ‘You stop this right now, do you hear!?’ Without warning, he grabs hold of my thigh and pushes it back against my stomach, working his hips between my legs and pressing his hot, male arousal against my delicate cleft. I gasp, so many emotions fighting inside me. ‘Tell me you don’t like it…’ he whispers, his voice thick with desire. ‘Tell me… and I’ll stop.’ I want to tell him. I want to scream that I hate it. I want to tell him that I don’t want his hands anywhere near me… but this would be lying. However angry or stressed I become with him, I have never really been able to refuse the tantalizing lure of the basic instinct. Even so, I do refuse to give in without a fight.
He seems pleased at my silence. The bastard. The sexy, strong-willed, incredibly masculine bastard. He leans forward and tries to kiss me again, but I turn my head so his lips bump against my cheek. ‘Hey.’ he says firmly, cupping my face in his hand and turning it back. ‘Don’t resist me.’ And with that, he slants his hot, hungry mouth over mine; sliding his wet tongue into my mouth while he slides his fat cock inside my equally wet pussy. A double penetration. I let out a muffled protest and wriggle beneath him, much to his enjoyment it would seem. ‘Ohh, that’s it baby, squirm.’ he murmurs against my cheek. ‘You know I love feeling you struggle.’ I close my eyes, feeling trapped in more ways than one. If I just lie still and take it, it would be surrendering. But if I continue to fight, it would mean provoking his desire further. ‘No…’ I moan weakly as he continues to lavish his passion upon me.
Once more his smug lips meet mine, his tongue invades my mouth. Bad move on his part. As severe punishment for taking such reckless advantage of me, I pull back slightly and bite down, momentarily sinking my teeth into his tongue. I taste the darkly erotic flavor of his blood. This, in turn, is a bad move on my part. He yelps in pain and withdraws, and almost immediately, I feel the sting of his hand across my upper thigh, and I hear the loud smack as he spanks me hard in retaliation, making me squeal loudly. He’s never hit me during sex before. Not that hard, at least. Then again… I did deserve it.
He leans close and slides his wounded tongue up the length of my cheek; leaving a warm, sticky ooze of blood and saliva, like he’s marking his territory. He looks me straight in the eyes, shooting daggers. ‘Don’t try that again…’ he growls slowly.
Then he grits his teeth and thrusts into me again and again with earth-shattering force, staking his claim to me. I struggle as hard as I possibly can, but to no avail. I know I can’t deny myself the pleasure, but I hold back desperately from climax. I know very well that, if I orgasm, he wins the physical battle. I can’t let that happen. However, I needn’t worry about this at first, for the heat of my femininity, and the intensity of his longing, prove to be too much for him, and he comes almost reluctantly, groaning and gushing and gazing at me the whole time. I continue to glare back, even when he slides out of me and looms over me.
I begin to growl once more. ‘Untie m-‘ He puts his finger to my lips and hushes me. ‘Shhh…’ he soothes, panting slightly. ‘I’m not finished with you, Kissyfur.’ Without warning, two rigid, male fingers are forced inside my lissom-slippery pussy, and I cry out in shock. His lips touch the delicate rim of my ear, and he whispers sweetly ‘I’m gonna finger fuck you into heaven…’ I wriggle my hips forlornly as he probes me, his thumb stroking my clitoris; teasing the little, wet bud with an artful skill that only he could muster. Unwanted yet sumptuous pleasure washes over me, and I close my eyes and whine loudly. His fingers may not have the same girth or animal instinct as his cock, but they are far more slick and controlled, and this makes up for all their shortcomings. Plus, of course, they are able to reach places that even his manhood cannot be guided to. They are on the brink of reaching those places right now…
He rams them into me, harder and harder, faster and faster, deeper and deeper. ‘Ohhh, yeah…’ he groans, sliding further into my wetness. ‘You like that, don’t you…?’ It’s true. I do like it. And I can’t fight for much longer. Okay, concentrate. Think ugly, think boring. Oh, but he’s so wonderful. He curls his fingers upwards and they stroke momentarily against my g-spot, almost pushing me over the edge. I become desperate. I try my best to resist, but it’s no use. The flame of orgasm overwhelms me, and I gasp and moan loudly, writhing in torment. As I open my eyes and look up at him, I see him smile with smug satisfaction, and he rams his fingers into me one more time, finishing me off.
I manage to manouvre my foot and kick his arm away as I find myself bursting into tears of shame and embarrassment. I roll over onto my side, facing away from him, and hide my crimson face in my hands, sobbing like a babe. I’m not crying because he practically raped me. I’m not crying because he used violence against me either. I’m crying because I love him so much and yet I still feel that I have to hold back from him. Surely that’s not right?
He reaches over me and lets me loose, like a poacher taking pity on a noosed rabbit. Immediately, I dry my eyes, sniff loudly, and try to compose myself. I feel his hand glide over my thigh, and I cry out in pain as he accidentally grazes the spot where he hit me, which now seems to be forming a nasty bruise. Without saying a word, he shuffles down and gently nurses my wound, kissing and soothing it as a sort of silent apology. I accept it by letting him be. However, when he comes back up and tries to cuddle me, I struggle like he’s pinning me all over again. ‘Hey!’ he says firmly, wrapping his arms around me and holding me still. ‘No more fighting, ok…?’ He holds me trapped in his embrace while I gradually calm down. ‘And no – more – secrets… k?’ I frown like a toddler who’s just been told no more candy and fold my arms. ‘But I like keeping my diary.’ I protest. He smiles and shakes his head. ‘I’m not against you keeping a diary.’ he says. ‘Just so long as you don’t keep anything ese from me. After all… if you don’t tell me what you want… how can you expect me to give it to you?’
He pauses for thought. ‘Speaking of which…’ he murmurs slowly into my ear, sliding one hand down onto my hip. ‘Now that we’ve sorted out our little privacy problem… how bout we fulfill that little fantasy of yours, hmmm…?’ I flinch, all that embarrassment and self-doubt flooding back into me. ‘Oh, n-no… it’s ok, you don’t have to d-do that.’ I stammer, trying to wriggle out of his arms and get away from him. It’s no use though. Even with only one arm locked around me, he’s freakishly strong. ‘Au contraire, Care Bear…’ he says, his wandering fingers wiggling their way between my buttocks. ‘I insist.’
I let out a little gasp as I feel his fingertip circling my rear entrance. ‘Oh, so you like it when I touch you there, do you…?’ he teases. I grit my teeth and whine silently. ‘Doooon’t. Aaron, let me go.’ I groan. ‘No.’ he says adamantly. His controlling finger caresses my tiny opening with a slow deliberation, like it has a will of its own, free from its master. My pussy’s beginning to swell with heat and fresh, juicy wetness. So naughty… ‘Aaron, your nails are too long…’ I moan, trying to change the subject. ‘They scratch, it hurts…’
With his one free hand, he takes a handful of my hair and gently puls my head back. ‘Oh, stop complaining…’ he mutters. ‘You know you love it really. He looms over me, his breathing heavy, his eyes dark and intent. ‘Just imagine my tongue doing this to your ass…’ he whispers, leaning over and dabbing my lips with teasing little kisses. I part them naturally, and he dips his tongue over and over, full-length into my open mouth, dipping and flicking and circling, kissing me passionately. I close my eyes for a split second and concentrate on the warm, moist, slippery sensations; trying to push them further down my body.
‘Mm-yeah, you like the sound o’ that, baby…?’ he asks sweetly in between his wet caresses of finger and tongue. ‘And maybe I could touch your pussy a little too…? Make you all hot and wet…? Would you like that, hmmm…?’ His persistence very nearly pays off. I become dizzy with desire and woozy with want, my body begging my mind to succumb to its needs. His skilled fingers… His glistening tongue… But suddenly, I let out a little animistic growl and yank myself away from him. ‘No, no, no, no, no! Just quit it, ok!?’ I squeal, standing up from the bed and clenching my fists.
I start to fumble around for my clothes, dressing myself as quickly as possible. He sits up and watches me, sighing patiently, like he’s not gonna let himself lose his temper with me. ‘What are you so afraid of, Care…?’ he asks, as I awkwardly slip my knickers back on, and then my t-shirt. ‘Nothing.’ I insist. He gives me his old that’s-bullshit-and-you-know-it look. ‘Oh yeah?’ he challenges. ‘Well then, why are you so scared to let me do something for you? What, do you think I’m gonna screw it up?’ Wait, he’s twisting things! That’s not what I think! ‘No!’ I insist. ‘It’s not like that.’ He gives a growl and falls back into the bed, evidently becoming exasperated. ‘What then!?’ he says, like he’s nearing the end of his tether already. ‘I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes, Care, I really don’t!’ I stand there guiltily, starting to think that maybe I should have have let my pride and embarrassment go hang just this once. ‘I… I’m sorry.’ I say pathetically. ‘Then let me do this for you.’ he says, an almost pleading tone to his voice. I clutch my arm to my side like I always do in times of extreme awkwardness and shake my head. He loses patience. ‘Fine!’ he growls, throwing his hands up and practically leaping off the bed. ‘Y’know what, I don’t care! Why don’t you try licking your own ass, see how far you get with that!?’ He storms out the room, and leaves me, standing there, ten times more guilty now than I was thirty seconds ago. A tear trickles down my crimson cheek, and I hurry into the bathroom and lock myself in for a second time.
I fill the basin and spend the next five minutes or so washing my dripping, semen soaked womanhood, avoiding the mirror and trying not to cry. I’ve upset him again. I knew I should’ve just let myself go with him. He is right, after all. He’s always right when it comes to stuff like this. To tell the truth, it almost bothers me. But then again, he is older, wiser… much more experienced sexually… maybe I should start listening to him more, instead of succumbing to my own insecurities. I mean, that was the whole reason I started to keep that stupid diary in the first place: I was too insecure to just talk to him. Well, it’s no use right now, ‘cos he’s off in a huff. My fault. I’m sure I’ll think of some way to apologise to him later…
Slowly, nervously, and still with bright red cheeks, I unlock the door and tiptoe out of the bathroom. I can’t see him anywhere in the bedroom. ‘Aaron…?’ I call timidly. No reply. I’m just about to call again, when I hear movement behind me, and two strong arms clamp themselves around my waist. ‘Gotcha!’ he says triumphantly, as he picks me up and carries me kicking and bucking over to the bed.
‘Aaron, what the hell are you doing!?’ I demand, even more outraged than I was when he first grabbed me on my way out the bathroom. ‘Oh, come on, Care. You didn’t think you were gonna get away that easily, did you…?’ he asks, pushing me up against the edge of the bed and bending me over. ‘What do you mean?’ I ask back. He pulls my head back and his hot breath smothers my ear. ‘It means, my darling, that you’re going to have your sweet little ass licked out whether you like it or not.’
He hooks his fingers round the elastic of my panties. ‘And trust me…’ he adds, with a cocky grin. ‘You’re going to love it!’ I squeal in protest as he tugs my panties down and descends onto his knees. ‘You can’t keep me here!’ I cry. ‘You know I can just walk away!’ Suddenly, I feel the vice-like grip of his hand around my left calf, and I look back at him. ‘You just try it.’ he whispers threateningly. ‘You even put up a struggle… and I swear to you, there’s gonna be a lovely matching bruise on your other thigh. Now – bend – over.’ I pause for a few seconds, unable to tell whether or not he’s being serious. It scares me when he uses that tone of voice. And he doesn’t normally make idle threats… Reluctantly, I obey him.
‘This is so embarrassing.’ I mumble childishly. ‘I hope you realize I hate you for this.’ I let out another squeal of protest as he spanks me firmly across one buttock. ‘Liar.’ he says. Slowly and deliberately, he starts to kiss his way up the back of my trembling thigh, like he’s building me up or something. I want to whimper with anticipation, but I can’t let him see that my body actually wants this. ‘God, Aaron, this is so ridicul-aah-oh-ooooohh!’ I gasp with both surprise and sudden unexpected pleasure, as I feel his tongue delving into my cleft, hot and sensuous. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before! In that split-second, guilt, embarrassment, and all self-consciousness vanish into nothing, and all I can focus on is… him and his mouth!
‘Oooohhh… oh, Aaron.’ I breathe. ‘You like that, baby…?’ he asks sweetly, pulling away for a moment to rub his fingertip over my opening. ‘Oh yes. Yes, I like it…’ I confess shamelessly, moaning softly as his mouth takes over. Suddenly, a glint of reflected light hits my eye, and I turn my head to the left to find myself looking straight ino the dress mirror. I can see our almost-full reflection. It’s like something out of a high class erotica. There he is, kneeling behind me like a slave, his hands gripping my buttocks possessively, his face practically buried in my backside as he licks and sucks and teases.
This is by far, the dirtiest, sexiest, naughtiest thing I’ve ever let him do for me… and I’m adoring every second. My pussy’s becoming so engorged with juices it’s starting to throb. All I want to do is come! I slide one hand down between my legs, intent on masturbating to the delicious stirrings of his tongue, but he slaps my wrist and shoos my hand away. ‘Leave that alone.’ he says firmly. I whine in frustration and clutch at the duvet, then I clutch even tighter and gasp as his hand cups my swollen vulva, his fingers moving in on my defenseless clit.
It’s torture, agony and heaven all rolled into one delicious package. His fingers masturbate me slowly, stroking and teasing, while his tongue swirls over my tight asshole, producing the most erotic wet sounds. ‘Oh, Aaron, don’t stop…’ I moan, reaching back with one arm and running my fingers through his long, silky hair, holding his head in position. ‘It feels so good! I’m almost there…’ Almost… almost… then suddenly, I’m there, writhing against him in sweet, sweet agony. Waves of pleasure roll over me drowning me in a sea of ecstasy, and still he doesn’t stop licking and touching and driving me wild.
When he finally stops his sensuous torture, I collapse onto the bed, my backside in the air, my mouth panting and gasping like a bitch in heat. Drained. I can feel the juices trickling down the inside of my thigh, and then I feel him lay down beside me and scoop me into his arms.
‘There…’ he whispers sweetly, stroking back my hair. ‘Aren’t you glad you let me do that now…?’ I know I should probably be angry with him. After all, it’s not like I actually let him. But he’s so sweet and caring… and it did feel incredible! ‘Yes…’ I sigh blissfully. cuddling up to him. ‘Yes, I am.’
And who knows, now that he’s made me more comfortable with myself, my body, and letting him do something so intimate, maybe I can think up a few other things I’d like him to do…
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